Conscious vs Subconscious
Feelings are the weirdest things. and I just mean any. what makes them? what makes your heart feel like its breaking when you're hurt by someone you love, what gives you butterflies when you see someone you like. I always think about this. Its actually kind of amazing what are bodies are capable of. Also why do we link butterflies to happiness. why do we get that feeling in the back of our throat when we are about to cry. I am so curious about this. anyway. (shower thoughts)
The past few weeks/months/entire year has just been unbelievable. (in not the best of ways.) When i look back to last year and how I imagined this year - boy was I completely wrong. I feel like I've been thrown in a washing machine and this year has just been me constantly trying to stand up straight while its turned on. (if that makes any sense at all) but if anything I am actually quite proud of myself for staying positive and strong. I think back to some of the worst times of my life this year but I still showed up to work every single day, and no one probably realised my world was being turned upside down. Its true what they say you really don't know whats going on with people, and I consider myself a pretty open person in most ways.
I am finally moved in, theres still a lot to do. Still a lot to save for. I wonder if this will ever end. I reach my savings goal and then I need something. I reach it again. need something again. right now I need to go to Hawaii I think haha. just kidding but I wish thats what I was saving for.
Funny, I thought that building by myself would be the hard part, and I mean it definitely was challenging. But emotionally moving in by myself was harder and made a lot of things real which I think I had (without even meaning to) been ignoring. As I was moving furniture at the house by myself, Id laugh at myself struggling at the weight of it all (literally). I groaned as I struggled to move my sofa "dont. need. no. man" trying to move furniture 5x my weight haha. honestly I pride myself on being quite independent and I never or will ever tell anyone I need them, but for the first time ever sitting in the house by myself I felt truly alone and it kind of scared me. I didn't like it. I didn't like the weakness it made me feel and I didn't like that my mind was telling me being with someone would make things easier because thats not who I am.
Its weird. (I think its Tony Robbins) talks about how our body constantly has one priority over everything else, survival. Everything it does it does with survival coming first. This is where fear comes from, this is why people get nervous about taking risks, about the unknown. I truly feel this lately. In my mind and consciously, I would never want to be with anyone without feeling completely capable and fulfilled by myself - I think relationships of any kind should make things extra great rather than fill something that is missing, but I'm not sure what it is, maybe the part of me worried I won't survive but I feel a constant battle between my subconscious and my conscious mind and my conscious mind is telling me that if anyone can get through it even if its by myself its me, but then my subconscious gives me nightmares about not having enough or being enough just by myself. I feel like theres an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.
Its dumb. and I don't know why I'm writing about it.
I'm still happy, or at least proud & I'm sure these thoughts are normal, or at least I'll tell myself they are haha
I think I have just stepped into a whole new world of responsibilities and I'm a little bit freakin terrified. Also building has taken so much of my focus that I feel like Ive spent no where near enough time with my closest friends & I think thats another reason I feel so alone lately. Also, I'm the type of person (reluctantly admitting this) if I plan my day, and something comes up unexpected and I have to change plans - that makes me uncomfortable. I don't know whyyyyy I wish i was flexible and liked surprise or spontaneousness (i mean i do if i plan for it haha) but when I have a plan I like it to play out, and really if we look at that in a larger scale - that was this year. I had an idea of how things would go and there were just thrown in the bin by life and I think the little OCD lady in me is the part thats freaking out the most. Maybe this is a good thing.
Regardless, as well as bringing absolutely terrible things, this year has blessed me with incredible things. even if they're just small. some of the people I've met & things I've learned just to name a few.