How strange it is to be someone who is utterly romantic and in love with the concept of love, but at the same time someone so closed to it. I find myself reading poetry about love, attracted to romantic art, falling in love with peoples love stories, yet I am also someone who so stubbornly refuses to open my heart in that way.
It is very frustrating.
I love so much. Always. With my friends and family I wear my heart completely on my sleeve. I'll see you during the day and write to you and tell you how much I loved spending time with you after you're gone. If it's been a while since we spoke I'll message to check in. If its been a while since I've seen you I'll probably hug you and tell you I missed you and that it feels like its been 100 years. You'll get random love notes from me. When we leave our coffee date instead of bye i'll say "love you." To be honest I'm like that drunk overly loving person, but always. I have this thing where I don't want you to not realise what you mean to me. If someone's gone tomorrow I want them to know the impact they made on my life and how important they are, but romantically and when it comes to wanting someone I turn cold so quick.
As soon as I sense any feelings I feel myself close off and find reasons I shouldn't. Literally to the point that I find myself getting annoyed at the person I am attracted to for disrupting the happiness (invulnerability? ahem) that comes with being single for me. "He's perfect. I hate him" I'll say. I'm sure this is a flaw in my personality.
I love being alone. and I love loving. its very contradicting. but I'm very good at both. I would never have the slightest doubt that if I was to fall in love again, the person would ever feel any less than the most loved person on the planet. Part of me dreams of the beautiful things that come with love the other part of me tells me I don't need/want them.
I often wonder how important it is. and I don't mean personally, I mean primally. Do we need love for fulfilment? I honestly don't feel like I do. Or maybe I do, but I receive it in small amounts from the people around me, and maybe that's enough?
Recently I said to a close friend of mine, "This is why I like being single; Its like Hey Sam, do you love you? Yes. Good. Thats all I need." she laughed.
A fear for me hugely comes from depending on other people and emotionally I get SO STRESSED by it, I hate it. Do they like you back? You're consumed by thoughts of them, have you ever crossed their mind? so many questions & it is SO ANNOYING. I'm laughing at myself for how ridiculous this all sounds. I feel like maybe its a weight for me because I feel so deeply. I'm not a surface person and I truly have a love/hate relationship with that part of myself. If I am going to fall in love I am going to fall so hard that I will make a hole in the ground (?? good one sam), I can say I truly know that for sure. and I hate that. but I think a lot of people refuse to really feel these days or refuse to go deep in relationships and I think thats why they don't last. I don't want to be part of that change in society. I won't play games. If I like you I'll tell you, if you upset me I'll tell you, If I disagree with you I'll tell you. I am like this with all of the relationships in my life. I apply a ridiculous amount of honesty, but Id prefer to be clear with people than to confuse people. Raw conversation and honesty is rare these days because everyones too busy trying to be perfect and emotionless. I want to go deep with people. but at the same time I don't, do you get my issue.
My way of handling this is being like OH WELL I never have these thoughts when I don't have feelings for someone, so that's why I'm clearly someone that should stay independent forever. Bye. See you later. Thanks for that. Lets be friends. God, honestly if I ever fall in love with someone it will be a MIRACLE that they got past the mercyless mind of single Sam.
There is no point in this post other than recognising that I have serious issues that need to be sorted out probably.
Am I too open online? Probably.