It's been ages since I've written properly. Well, I have and I do, Just not on the ol' blog.
Saying this out loud (if that's what you'd call this) sounds silly, but I've been thinking of writing a book. Actually, I've written it. It's not long, it's probably got so many errors, but it’s together and I guess now it’s a work in progress...maybe. I went through a stage where my thoughts were shouting so loud at me that instead of waiting for the evening to write in my journal, I’d write them on my phone. I’d email them to myself & this was the first time my thoughts were ever digital. One thing lead to another and I decided to put them together into a small book (I don’t know how my brain works but the idea excited me for some reason) Whenever writing journal entries I write without thinking, without neatening or fine tuning, it’s pure emotion and usually messy and thats what this was. I wrote and wrote and then suddenly before i knew it, about 2 months of thoughts, sentimental letters, feelings, recollections & words which are probably way too honest, were put together to form a small book, which i can only really describe as my heart. I decide it's time to write the words "The End." And after I put the final full stop, immediately the idea of re-reading it was too daunting for me. I never read back to old entries until a journal is finished, it’s a rule I kind of made up for myself, so I closed it and decided I’d read it later.
At least a week went by before I was brave enough to re-open it. The first time I read through it all I cried a lot. (That's who I am now apparently, I used to never cry and now I am my mother and I cry at everything...Hey mum, love you.) Throughout the entire thing I'm extremely vulnerable which I'm not usually good at, and I do consider myself an honest person but usually emotionally I’ll water things down. Not when I'm journal writing, Its messy and extremely raw. You can see the change in my writing when I'm happy, to when I'm hurting. I decide I might not edit it, I like that its a bit all over the place - I feel like it makes it more real. Anyway, I don't know why I care because after reading it through once I immediately closed it and decided there was no way I’d ever print it. The idea of other people reading the words that I had just read was way too embarrassing for me. I think about Beau Taplin who inspires me so much, his words are so real & vulnerable and I wish I could be half as brave as him. Maybe one day I will be.
A lot has happened in the past few months. I’ve met people who have had way more impact on me than I’m sure they realise, I’ve reconnected with old friends, and as always I'm always finding new reasons to appreciate my current friends. Also, I had a birthday! I’m 23 years old now and I guess that’s sort of how old I feel. 23 going on 75…haha, not physically…I just feel like I still don’t fit in with this generation the way I 'should'. I keep telling myself thats a good thing. Part of me is frustrated that I do feel 23, I wish I felt older and I feel like that means I need to get smarter, I want to be wise and I'd love to feel beyond my years, Right now feeling my age kind of disappoints me.
I'm not sure what else to write. The past few days I’ve been in bed sick and my roommate Jamie is always messaging me asking if I need anything, she kept her phone by her so I could call her if i needed to during the night & she’ll message me if she’s passing the shops and ask if I want her to get me anything. Lauren asked if I need her to stop by and bring anything on the way home from work & Mum came over yesterday and made me soup, and brought me groceries. Also this afternoon I received a "any better today baby girl" text from my Mel. How sweet are they, honestly. People are so wonderful and I’m so grateful.
No matter whats going on I always try to remind myself that gratitude comes first.
P.S Today is my beautiful friend Sarah's birthday & even though she probably won't see this HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.