Hiiiii. Things have been busy and this little lady has been stressed. Adult life is so great but sometimes things take their toll and I have definitely felt the weight of it all the past few months. Everything's temporary though of course & I'm looking forward to things clearing up again so I can refocus a bit more time on being arty & going on some adventures. For now, since I haven't wrote in a while, I thought id just share a couple of notes I've written on my phone over the past few months.
I sit across from one of the strongest people I know. I can see she's carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and where most would collapse she barely crumbles. She doesn't carry herself with a hard exterior but she is strong. I watch her speak imagining myself speaking her words and wonder how she does it without her voice breaking, or her eyes watering. I feel like crying for her just because I'm so proud. Also because I know she doesn't realise how strong she actually is. I listen to her, and while she speaks her words absorbe into my mind alongside feelings of complete admiration. My heart is so full for her and I feel like I feel everything that she refuses to show. Every part of me wants to take her problems from her. She's beautiful now but imagine what she'd be without the weight of the world on her shoulders. Time passes and this same girl in the same space of time pulls out her phone and takes a happy Snapchat video, I can tell it is genuine and not fake but the act of it hits me like a bus. No one that sees that video will know the weight of what else she's carrying. The challenges in her mind. It's all so easily masked with a smile and although I am always conscious of it, this reminds me to never ever be unreasonable to anyone and to always be kind no matter what. You didn't mean to, but you reminded me why I want to be who I am tonight. Thank you.
Im at the most frustrated place I've ever been with myself and if I'm honest I'm actually really struggling. I have no idea what I want. No idea. "Cmon Sam, think. If you won lotto what would you be doing?" I literally have no idea. NONE. I used to get all my drive and passion from the idea of travelling the world but now I'm thinking about it like meh. Do I really want to. It is driving me absolutely insane. And when I say insane I mean I am going 1000% crazy. I used to be a psycho with goal setting and now I can't set a single goal for myself, what is wrong with me. Honestly someone please tell me. Everything I used to love I am complacent about, and I don't really love anything now (other than people) and it's actually scaring me. I've never felt so lost. I was someone who was so passionate about life and sure of themselves (legit used to have specific goals set from now to in 10 years time) and now I don't want anything. Everything's like, meh. The most frustrating part is I know I'm smarter than this mindset that I'm in. I've listened to audios, read books, looked at online articles, but still I am stuck and I'm really starting to get frustrated about it. Has anyone felt like this before? How did you come unstuck?
I printed a copy of the book I put together and it arrived in the mail yesterday. I took me months to decide to publish & for a full day after it arrived I couldn't even open it. I knew what was inside and I wasn't ready to relive a lot of it. I ended up talking myself into it & I just finished reading the whole thing, For sort of the first time ever. It's full of memoirs and letters, kind of written like a journal. I really wanted it to be raw and unedited so I barely read it over before printing it. I sat in silence for a good 10 minutes after reading it. My thoughts? Gee, this heart of mine can really feel things. It was overwhelming and I felt myself wanting to cry as I read. Not just because of the words I was reading but also the fact that I did it. This little book was mine, and me, and my heart, and I actually did it, I haven't felt this proud of myself in a while. I know I'm not amazing at writing but I'm proud of myself for being honest and not lessening myself because of what people might think. No ones allowed to see it yet. No one. I don't know if I'll ever let anyone read it to be honest. I wouldn't mind some professional advice on this though and I'm considering contacting an editor because I imagine there's some things I'm missing that I don't know about and things to consider that I may not have. I emailed Beau Taplin (like a crazy person) I know it's a long shot but I look up to him a lot and he's done it, so if he can give me some advice that would be so incredible. I'm not sure if I'll hear back. I think I'll scream and cry if I do. I fantasise about being on the same level as him. A self published author, an artist. The ideas make me giddy. What a wonderful world that would be to live in.
P.S To anyone who messaged saying they'd like to read it thank you for your support and I love you.
Feels funny combining all these notes into one and it has reminded me why I love keeping journals so much. Looking back always makes me feel so much better. Even just from having no idea what I want, to emailing my favourite writer fantasising about a dream life I could live. I guess it's a reminder that everything's always temporary and sometimes that's such a sad thought, but other times it's definitely a comforting one.