I have always been conflicted with myself about how open I want to be online. Relationships are intimate and I believe there's something truly beautiful in having things only you and your partner know; but I'm also me, and I get so much joy from writing and sharing and remembering. I've wanted to write about Luke, but fitting the last few months into one post in my mind seemed impossible. In short; He surprised me a lot. He also proved me wrong in a lot of ways. As cliche as it sounds, the boy is everything I have ever looked for in a person and I'm so grateful, I don't know what I did right to deserve him.
I've been writing my journal entries digitally for a while now - since meeting Luke I've written oven 30 pages and 16,000 words, I can tell this means I'm happy (and that I'm a freak but w/e). I was thinking about including some but deciding what to include was impossible and it was a constant battle between feeling like I wasn't including enough to do the boy justice, but also that I was including too much. I couldn't seem to find an in-between so I decided against it. As you guys know from previous posts I also just don't like that we judge people based on the minimal information we see online; these days it’s hard to tell what's real and whats a glamorised version of the truth. This was another struggle for me in deciding whether I wanted to write about Luke at all. I mustn't be the only one who sees couples who post their love for each other over social media but in real life they're complacent with one another. Just the thought of people assuming this makes me not want to write at all. The truth is, no one will truly ever understand. Realistically, How could I ever expect anyone to? There's no way to explain this sort of connection with a person. I can write about the sweet words he says to me but I can't show you the look in his eyes when he says them. I can tell you about the things we do but never in enough detail to explain why they hold such meaning. I'll never be able to truly share the way I feel about this boy in a short blog, part of me wonders why I even want to, but I’m me; and me (as much as sometimes I hate it) will never be able to shake off this itch to write when something important/exciting is happening. So after all the little internal conflicts, here we are, and here we go.
First of all I can't believe how much has changed for me, and within myself. As we all know this girl was a little lost and kind of just floating about as of the past year or so - happy, but a little lost. Suddenly the future has become a lot more exciting and about a lot more than just myself and it's given me clarity and such a push to move forward from this slump. I find myself thinking about who I want to be not only for myself, but also now what kind of woman I want to be for Luke and suddenly I've found new standards for my future and it's made me want to work 10x harder to become a better person. Realistically, It's easy to let yourself down, but if you saw how much this boy believes in me, you'd see why letting him down will never be an option. To clarify - Luke has always adored & accepted me exactly for who I am, and I have never felt like I had to be someone different for him. In fact, usually its me talking about a way in which I want to grow/change and he's the one telling me how beautiful I am, as I am. In saying that he also encourages my growth and goals. To find someone who loves me as I am but also loves who I am choosing to grow into - I am so grateful. We both have incredibly high standards for our own lives and we've carried those over into our relationship which has set an incredible foundation for us both. I had built myself to a point of such independence before Luke that the idea of a relationship actually scared me because I thought I'd have to sacrifice, or let go of what I had built within myself and within my life. I was wrong. Luke has taken me completely as I am, embraced it, encourages me to be more of it, and wants to learn about it so he can be a part of it. I do the same for him. We're constantly trying and sharing new things with one another and always learning, whether it be new recipes, books, audios or dance lessons (lol) and If anything I feel I've grown more in this period with him and tried more than I ever have by myself. I love it. I love it. I love it.
In terms of Luke: I have never met a person with such a good heart and so down to earth. This boy cares so much for other people and the deeper I dive into his mind the more I realise how wonderful his heart really is. His reasons for doing things are never selfish, and his drive for anything always comes more from other people than from himself. This boy is kind to strangers, and kind to everybody. This is so important to me. He is also the most self disciplined person I have ever met - I always tell him how proud I am of him, but I don't know if he truly realises how much he inspires me. The boy is so so thoughtful. He'll dance with me while we cook dinner (or just anytime), he asks to paint with me (😍) he actually encourages my artistic side more than anyone, and he's always ready with a Dad-Joke (which i never understand and then he has to explain lol :(). He believes in me just as much as I do him, and we're so playful together and have so much fun but also can talk about the important things and be serious when we need to. I love this balance.
Luke truly introduced me to a happiness I didn't even realise I was missing. Honestly, I had given up on the concept of romance in today's society and truly started to believe that no man existed that's values and heart would align with mine. I decided it was easier being independent and alone rather than vulnerable and in love and I had built myself into someone who genuinely believed I could be happy for the rest of my life alone; and don't get me wrong I was happy, but in turning myself into this person I didn't realise how much of my true self I sacrificed. And then I met Luke. This boy completely (& effortlessly) knocked down the walls I had worked so hard building for myself and did so without me feeling the slightest bit scared or insecure. He re-introduced me to a side of myself that I had forgotten and honestly didn't realise was so important to me. He actually reminded me who I really am. (Just when you thought it couldn't get any cornier) But seriously, It's no secret that I live my life full of love, now that I'm myself in my romantic life too, I feel so fulfilled.
IN SAYING THAT. In honesty (and hindsight) I am actually glad I went through "Independent Sam" faze. Although the mentality of "don't need no man" was maybe a little irrational and extreme in some senses (as the emotions mainly branched from fear), it served me in that I feel that I truly discovered who I am by myself without influence from anybody else, and I now know that I am completely capable of being whole, happy and fulfilled on my own. Because of this, I also kept my standards incredibly (almost ridiculously) high. I think this is the best thing I could have done - If you're looking to date and reading this, please don't settle just for the sake of having someone around. This is my first relationship as an adult in which I feel sure and secure about who I am, completely fulfilled within myself and I am not with Luke to receive anything in particular from him. It's different, but it's a much more incredible feeling to have someone around because you want them, not because you feel you need them. I love him for him, not for the idea of what he could do for me or bring to my life. This is my first time experiencing a completely unselfish love; I feel that this has given me a lot more stability within my emotions, and in my own mind I'm much less reactive and much more rational. In saying that, love is love. It's the one time I have to remind my (control-freak) self that it's beautiful to not have control of this and to let myself just feel. And god, I feel so much for this boy.
I can't explain it, I'll never be able to. I guess there's just way too much to include. All of the sweet words he says to me, all of my favourite things that we do, the personal jokes, the nicknames, the ways in which we challenge each other, the 1000s of things I adore about him and the ways we're alike. I love the foundation we have set for ourselves as a couple; It's the first time I've ever been intentional in a relationship and for me, it's made me feel a lot more secure and excited, rather than just taking things day by day and letting moods determine our decisions.
Anyway, I guess that's the beauty of it all - You share things that only you both know, and dare I say things that only you both value. Seemingly insignificant moments out of love become cherished moments in love. It's beautiful. I feel so loved in this relationship, I feel so comfortable, and I've never been so excited for the future with someone. We're so on the same page that we've been able to become part of one another's lives with very little, if any compromise and it's all just been so easy and right. Most of all if I had to list my favourite thing about Luke (other than his eyes cos WOW) it would be that there's never been a time that he's made me feel like I'm too much or not enough.
Yeah, This is my absolute favourite thing about him.
I always used to think about who I want to be, and what sides the person I love will bring out in me, and he brings out the best of all sides of me. Thank you, Luke.
We modelled for my friend Ashlee. I just have to share some of the photos. Thanks Ash for capturing us in the most perfect ways.