Omg a blog post
It's been a while. It's hard to believe that the last time I wrote was when I first started dating Luke - so much has changed since then both within myself and my life. For a while I wasn't myself and I started multiple blogs which I ended up deleting because I was unhappy with them, so we'll see how this goes.
For girls only guys skip this paragraph: How much of a real thing are hormones! After 7 years on the pill I decided that it was time to give my body a break. It was a decision I was incredibly hesitant about, mainly in fear of getting pregnant but also I thought I had absolutely no issues being on the pill. I had visited doctors several times about it and every time they would talk me into staying on it. "So, you're not having any issues being on the pill? And you don't want to get pregnant right now?" They'd say confused, and they'd always convince me that there was no harm in staying on it a little longer. Being in my field of work I am constantly surrounded by so many health conscious people. In my job, and within my friend group, they all have the mindset of to live your healthiest life is to live free from medication, and to let the body heal itself (which I also believe). These were the people that made me reconsider again. Within the span of a couple of weeks, a work colleague who has studied naturopathy, my chiropractor (who was working with me on my hormones) and Luke, all spoke to me concerned about how long I had been on the pill and the effect it might be having on my body. I brushed it off a few times, but knowing Luke was on board made me reconsider much more seriously than I ever had before.
It's been almost 3 months off the pill and I will tell you, they have been three incredibly challenging months. I have been battling nausea, headaches, fatigue, but the main thing that has changed is I am EMOTIONAL. Like. EMOTIONAL. Luke will tell you. (Hope he doesn't lol :() I've been a nightmare. I actually feel terrible about it. For 7 years on the pill I have never felt angry, nor particularly sad, and if I did feel those things my moods were incredibly easy to bounce back from because the emotions I did have were quite mild. I feel everything now, and not just a little bit, a lot. Bad moods will sweep over me without warning and I consciously will say to myself in my head "Nothing happened...Why are you angry?" but I'm angry and nothing will change it apparently. I feel so much more than I'm used to, and me being an absolute control freak (especially of my emotions) has struggled so so much with it. Luke's incredible. "I read about this Sam, It's completely normal." He'll say to me as I'm sobbing without reason. or nights when I'll accidentally take my mood out on him he'll come to me and say things like "Look. I don't know what's wrong. I know you don't want to talk about it. But I love you. and I'm here if you change your mind." A couple of weeks ago I told Luke I'm sick of it and I'm going back on the pill because I can't stand myself, he encouraged me to push through and I'm glad. Only recently for the first time in so long I felt happiness. "Ooo." I had to stop and think about it. "I'm happy. omg." I thought to myself. And it's stuck. "I feel like me again!" I said with glee to Luke the other night.
Don't get me wrong, I had no reason not to be happy before, and I guess I was happy when I thought about it consciously. but I just didn't feel it. I wrote a whole blog post about understanding how frustrating it must be for people who are battling mental illness, because I wanted to be happy, and every thing situationally said I should be happy, but I just couldn't make myself feel it. Honestly It was a really shitty time, and I developed an empathy that I had never had the experience to have before. I didn't end up posting it but I'll consider attaching it to the end of this blog. For anyone struggling with that stuff; I found audios really helped me, and seeing friends I hadn't seen in a while. (Here if anyone needs to talk, too. Seriously.)
Life's great at the moment and I'm very grateful for a lot of things right now. Luke and I are growing together and the more time I spend with him the more I start to think that I was wrong in thinking that I like the beginning stages of a relationship the most. Before meeting Luke, to me the 'beginning stages' meant butterflies, date nights, sweet words, and endless contact and those were the things that I thought of when I thought of love. As I spend more time with him, I started to notice that the little moments in which I do fall more in love with him are the moments that come with comfort in a relationship; It's when I see how strong he is when he is faced with adversity, when I hear him talk about things that make his heart ache or that he's passionate about, or things that he's learned from books. when I see him struggle and push through. It's the times that I've been sick and he's brought me tea and put a cold cloth on my head. It's the "less perfect" and more real times that make me feel so strongly for him. I love to feel us growing and progressing in our relationship together.
The transition from Miss Independent to Miss Headoverheals in ways has been so easy and almost unnoticeable, but in other ways it's has challenged me. Suddenly there's someone else to consider in everything I do and feel, and sometimes I find myself struggling to not be selfish. I've learned my bad moods effect Luke just as much as they do me, and that showing love can be done in so many different ways. I've learned that sometimes caring means being completely there, other times it means stepping away. Those things are love for me. Butterflies, date nights, sweet words, and endless contact are loveLY, but for me true love begins when you decide that you'll love a person at their best and their worst. In saying that Luke and I love those other things too, of course, and the beginning stages don't have to just be the beginning stages. "Just wait that'll change." People say when I brag about how sweet Luke is...As if every couple is destined to become complacent. I feel our relationship shifting as time passes but we're learning each other and I feel it growing in such a positive way that I'm more grateful as each day passes. Our relationship is different now from when it first started, but it's better. We take care of one another and there's no doubt in the world we both are crazy for each other.
I used to roll my eyes at couples who claimed to be best friends. I understand it more now. When I think of my bestest girl friend, the first thing I think of is an unmatched trust and an unconditional-ness (don't know if thats a word.) Knowing that even though we've seen each other at our very worst, we know each others deepest secrets and we know each others flaws; we adore each other anyway. There's a stability which is unmatched and a certainty that we'll always have each other's backs. This is the first time I've felt that stability in someone I've known for such a short amount of time and the most I've ever trusted someone who I have known for such a little time. I'm so grateful and I always tell Luke he's my best friend, as he does to me. (Winking at u right now Kim, it'll always be you...haha just kidding you guys can fight for first place love yas.)
The other blog post:
Feb 10 2018
I generally consider myself an empathetic person although in saying that, I experienced something recently which made me realise how little about this topic I understood. I have always been very in control of my mind, my thoughts, and am generally quite rational in my behaviour. For the first time ever I found myself with feelings I couldn't justify, but also couldn't make go away. I hate the word depression and I'm not going to say that's what it was. But I'm going to say now that I understand depression on a deeper level because of the way my mind has behaved the past few weeks. This is a touchy topic. It's hard for me to talk about because throughout my life there have been times where I have felt like I am at my lowest of lows and I've always managed to snap myself out of it. I don't know if what I had was depression. Thats why it's hard for me to talk about, because the last thing I want to be is insensitive. But I do believe that there are certain factors that if changed, can definitely help a depressed person. (Maybe not fix, but definitely help.) Spending more time doing what they love, socialising, a good look at their nutrition, their sleep, the information they're feeding their minds. Again, not claiming this to be a cure, but if you compare a person who wakes up to go to a job they hate, eats poorly, smokes, is around people who are miserable within life and don't have any goals, is watching the negative news each night, and has poor sleep - their mental health will be at a much poorer level than someone who wakes up in the morning, does some yoga/meditation, reads a book, going to a job where they feel fulfilled, meets a friend for lunch, and spends an hour of their day doing something they love. Anyway - my point is. For the first time ever, I was irrationally unhappy. I have a good job, I have free time to do what I love, I have a wonderful family, the most loving boyfriend, a regular exercise and nutrition routine and an optimistic future and regardless of those things I found myself so completely frustrated and miserable with life.
I could feel that I was becoming a burden on the people I love. I was completely ungrateful and hard to be around. "Its February and I haven't achieved anything." I said on February 1st. My ambitions are so high and my expectations for my life are SO HIGH and although to an extend I don't feel thats a bad thing, I think I took it to a level which became unhealthy for me. In my mind I would rationally remind myself all the good I had in my life but still I found myself in general unhappy. It's the first time my mind has been stuck in a state I couldn't snap out of.
I realised of all the things I was doing I had neglected doing any self development for a while and although my life was growing, I wasn't. Luke encourages me in all ways, and he's so committed to his personal growth. One night I asked him to send through anything he listens to that he feels will be good for me. Excitedly he started sending me audios. He'd send me one each morning with a message like "You'd like this audio sunshine, Have a good day." and I found listening to them helped. In a Tony Robbins audio I listened to he said "Turn expectation into appreciation and your whole world will change in an instant." that line mixed with other small lines in hours of audios I listened to made me feel better. Thank god. (For me, and the people around me.)
It was a really interesting (and equally frustrating) experience to be so conflicted with myself in that time. To know that this mood I was in could be jeopardising relationships and for it to still not change. I dunno my point. I just guess I want to tell someone that I understand. And It must be so horrible to have your mind in one place in which you probably don't want it to be, and to be having trouble to get it to shift. It can shift though and you can turn your life around and just because your life is a certain way now, it does not mean it has to be that same way in a week, or a month or a year.
Some great self-help speakers:
Keep growing & If you find an audio you love, I'd love to hear it too.