I almost feel like laughing thinking about this year as it is coming to an end. I think back to my last 2 or even 3 end of year posts and genuinely remember feeling like they were the greatest years of my life. 2014 I felt like I had more personal growth than I ever imagined possible, and new friendships came that felt like they would last forever, I remember thinking SURELY 2015 couldn't possibly be better because everything was perfect. and still it was. I remember the feeling in my chest of COMPLETE happiness and excitement for the future and I honestly let 2016 come with complete open arms, open heart and open mind.
I remember learning that life is like a pendulum - On one side all of great, on the other all of the challenges, and if you expect it to swing one way it has to swing the other. I think it was Darren Hardy I learned this from when I was in USA and I remember him saying, if you don't want to suffer much of whats on the left, you won't get much of whats on the right. But if you're willing to swing big, even though you'll go through whats on the left you'll be rewarded much bigger with whats on the right. I decided I wanted to live that way. I'm not afraid of adversity and usually embrace challenge because I know it is what makes people grow, well ~~the universe~~ or whoever is in charge of what goes on in life took this as a challenge apparently, and 2016 was just something else. (not sure whether to laugh or cry looking back haha)
I feel like the pendulum swung back so fast to the left hand side this year that it knocked me straight off my feet into the middle of the ocean and ~~the universe~~ was like ok sam you said challenge is what makes people grow so off you go - swim. I feel like this year has been me swimming and swimming and maybe in the last couple of weeks just finding shore. But I'm definitely not at the same place I was before and I still haven't decided if I prefer it here. but I think I do.
It's kind of funny how perspective can change everything and that has been a HUGE challenge for me this year. We have our own ways of measuring success but one of my core values is having control and being in control of your life and this year I have felt so out of control but I've had to remind myself that it doesn't necessarily mean I'm not 'successful' or not doing okay. Saving money is something I really pride myself in and this year (don't get me wrong I think I've done really well) but I've spent more money than I ever have in my LIFE and the self doubt that has come with it has been unbelievable and really unexpected. Its crazy how different things can affect different people. Again, I've had to stop and tell myself that its necessary and its going towards something good, and again - it doesn't make me any less 'successful'.
As well as that, I'm someone who prides myself of staying transparent and sticking to my word, I set a lot of goals at the start of the year that I haven't even come close to (not even hitting) but just WORKING ON and it drives me so nuts but I think I have to remind myself that I'm only human. I feel like my mind is my own little angel and devil on my shoulder, the little angel is saying I've been through enough and theres only so much one person can take on, and the little devil is saying if you have time to relax you have time to work on your goals. But then I also think maybe I have them the wrong way around? Maybe the angel is the one still believing in me telling me to keep going. (am i crazy...yes.) but in a less crazy way I guess distinguishing between what or how much I should/could take on this year has been one of the most challenging things.
I brought myself back down to earth the other day when I had a thought, and I'm not really sure what actually provoked it. BUT. I'm in my house, I'm finished with my studies, no exams to worry about, I have a GREAT job which I love, and I have amazing people in my life. Why shouldn't I be happy or even proud. I mean just for this year (lol). I made it through with minimal breakdowns (lol again) and I am happy. I feel like if I told 2015 Sam what would happen in 2016 she would have 1. laughed and not believed me at all and then 2. also not believed that it was possible to survive. I said earlier that I remember the feeling in my chest in the last couple years of complete happiness, This year I remember feelings of genuine fear, so much hurt, and complete stress to the point where I didn't know If I was going to survive, those things aren't worth dwelling on and I definitely in no way believe I'm the only person who felt these things, but I DID survive so basically, HAR HAR UNIVERSE I DID IT. (please though lets chill with the adversity for a while ok)
Finally, things are settling. I still have SO much to do and I feel like 'one step at a time' was my 2016 motto and I'm just still going to go with it. Looking back, even though some things fell apart this year, some really great things fell together. I met some (lots of) incredible new people, reconnected with a lot of old friends and found a love for myself, and for being by myself, and happiness within myself (me me me haha) that I am really proud of.
I went into 2016 completely open and when I think of 2017 I guess I feel, sceptical? The fact that its possible for so much to change and these changes always happen in instants it is just terrifying but also pretty amazing. Hopefully little changes happen that rock my world (IN A GREAT WAY to make that clear) in 2017.