What it’s like being me: an open, overly honest, yet private, girl. Who feels too much, shows too much and who’s passion is in writing…meaning she potentially shares too much. This is my third time starting a new blog. It’s the regular routine for me. Start, erase. Start, erase. I either feel I’m sharing too much or too little and finding the in between is really challenging for me. I’m sure I’ve mentioned that before. The part of me that craves privacy tells me I am entitled to all of the privacy I want/need in my life and that I should stop oversharing. The part of me that craves intimacy and human connections tells me that without being willing to be vulnerable and open, I can’t expect people to be open with me. Through the years that I’ve been blogging I have connected with so many people I honestly don’t believe I would have had the opportunity to, without taking that first step in vulnerability and openness. I love it, if I’m honest. I love writing and sharing, but regardless of that - and even though I’ve been doing it for years, it’s still one of the hardest things for me to do.

I’ve can feel that I’ve changed a bit. Openness used to come easily to me and now I feel myself being more selective about what I share, or I guess…who I share it with. It’s something I’m still learning and need to practice. Don’t get me wrong, I’m honest. Always. I’ve just learned that as well as intimacy being born through details, intimacy also can be born from privacy and selectiveness and I like that. It’s something I’m still trying to figure out, myself.

Whats been happening with me? A lot, I suppose. Life’s been excellent to me and I have enormous gratitude for all of the positive changes, big and small. Gratitude is something I practice daily and whether it be my health, my relationships, my family or anything else I have - not a single day will pass without a thought of gratitude for even the smallest bits of fortune in my life. I like that about myself.

I’ve met someone I really care for and he’s changed a lot for me. Although my feelings have the tendency to skyrocket and I know I’m not the best at keeping composed when love is involved, It’s early days and not something I’m ready to write about - but I owe a lot to him. He makes me laugh like no one I’ve ever been with, and he has this incredible ability to speak about intimate topics and express himself well and comfortably. I admire it. He’s empathetic which is extremely important to me in a person, and he’s extremely caring. I admire his honesty, and his certainty about what he wants. He’s taught me about putting myself first, probably without even realising it. He’s also taught me fearlessness and inspired me to strive a little more in my own life. He’s reminded me how attractive I find intelligence in a person, and how much trust I am able to put into someone who is honest and unapologetic about who they are. I’ve grown to realise that trusting someone means more to me than loving them, I had never considered that before. He’s cheeky and fun and playful…I’ll stop. He’s just one of my favourite people ever, thats all. But I’m sure this will all be a story for another time…maybe. For now, I’m enjoying this little private bubble we’re in and I’d like to keep it that way.

I think back to me, Sam - 6 months ago. I mean, I don’t even have to think about it, I write all of the time. And reading back on my journal entries from that time is a feeling that’s hard to put into words but I’ll try. You know that feeling you get when you witness or see someone witness something that they feel is miraculous; A little bit of excitement, a lot of awe. I read back to entries of myself completely heartbroken by life, unable to find hope or beauty in much and completely uninspired. And just like that. I read about the day that was the start of everything changing, even still then…not even knowing what beauty there was to come. That’s magic. You never know what’s around the next corner. You never know when you’ll be presented with the opportunity that changes your life, when you’ll meet the next person of your dreams, or your next best friend, you never know what stranger might brighten your day or who’s day you might brighten. I know I sound like the female Tony Robbins right now but it’s just so magical to me. We never know when we’ll make a decision that changes the course of our lives, and i’d be lying if I didn’t say it scares the shit out of me…but it excites me, more.

photographs of me by my Merlina