It’s meeeeeeeeee.

It’s been challenging for me knowing how to come back from the events of the past few months, and to be honest mainly because I find myself over analysing what other people will think. If I’m too happy, what assumptions will that lead to from people? If I’m still sad, what judgement will that lead to? I need to stop caring so much about literally everything, honestly.

Right now, I am on top of the world if I’m honest. Happiness has actually been one of the hardest emotions for me to accept because a lot of the time it was interrupted by guilt. How long should you mourn the loss of a person? When is it okay for me to start being okay without it being insensitive. My mind never shuts up, honestly…

Anyway, an update.

Let’s just say May wasn’t the best month I’ve ever had. Friends see where I am at now emotionally and ask how I did it - it wasn’t just as simple as a decision and then the results following immediately. There were weeks of not eating anywhere near as much as I should have, losing a lot of weight, neglecting my health completely, and honestly neglecting myself completely. There was so much weakness and an unbelievable amount of internal conflict. My goal was a month of no contact and I broke it multiple times before I was able to gain enough self discipline or even self respect to follow through with it. There were mistakes. Tears. Break ups are hard. I can’t tell you how many times at the beginning my mind would latch onto ways to find forgiveness and make up excuses so that everything could be overcome and I could go back to that place of comfort before it all fell apart.

June consisted of rebuilding myself and re-finding who I am and what’s important to me. Pages and pages of journal entries, endless audios. I studied myself harder than anything else to rebuild the foundation of who I am and make it strong again. This is what I mean when I say it wasn’t just about making a decision to be okay, and then getting there. It took work. I refused to use things to distract myself and set what I was feeling aside, instead I chose to face it - all of it, the places where I fell short, the places I could have done better, my weaknesses, but also my strengths, what I’m proud of about myself, and what’s important to me and I just got to know the absolute crap out of myself and in turn was reminded of the most important thing in my life - my happiness. And eventually I was lead there, and I don’t think by coincidence.

I spent time reconnecting with old friends, which is always a huge source of happiness for me. It’s weird the assumptions people make though; you spend time with anyone of the opposite gender and immediately it’s assumed that the relationship isn’t platonic. I found myself battling and still am battling slight anxiety which comes from the assumptions other people might make about my friendships, but again - what people think shouldn’t really matter.

July has been good to me. I have a roommate now. He’s one of my new favourite people. He moved in on Sunday and it has attributed to so much of the joy I am feeling. As well as it being a huge relief financially, we get along really well. He’s smart and he challenges me and I like that. He’s also cheeky and playful - If all works out I’ll have him for 3 years and I’m really excited for us to develop our friendship in that time.

I’m excited for the sun to come back out and get back to the beach, I miss it. Winter makes me want to hibernate a little bit and my motivation drops. I’m excited for the rest of the year.

The thought that has sat with me the most over the past couple of months is that so many of those cliche sayings you hear or read are true. The one that keeps popping up in my mind is about “things having to fall apart, so better things can fall together.” or whatever it is. Although at the time I would have never chose any of the events of the past few months, I realise now how much positive change it has lead to in my life and I’m incredible grateful for it.

Yay happiness, my old friend.