R-Stat

This blog has been a long time coming, let’s be honest. 

I think we all know by now that I have no problem with sharing my life and being vulnerable, although when it comes to a relationship; me sharing mine means sharing theirs too...and through previous lessons of the past I have learned that not everyone is as comfortable being as open as I am. And I respect that completely. 

This time I decided to keep it private. Well...as private as possible. We all know Sam when it comes to love. Excited and childlike. Head over heels...Ridiculous, really. I can’t help who I am and I won’t apologise for it. 

I’d still like to keep it mostly private, but I miss letting you in. I miss connection through vulnerability and people I barely know telling me they’ve read my blogs and opening up to me about the things they related to. So as a way of finding a middle ground I’m going to speak about my feelings, from before the beginning, to the beginning, to now. It’s all a little messy and imperfect and I’m sure will evoke questions that I don’t know the answers to myself, but let’s see how this goes. 

Before him; 
I was hurt and held resentment towards love. I was quite fresh out of a relationship with someone who I had decided was “the one” and it left me feeling defeated, and deflated. I had lost faith in romance and trusting anyone new felt impossible.

It was like they talk about in movies; you’re feeling a certain way and then suddenly, in an instant, out of nowhere they come into your life and everything changes. It was as cliche as that. The first message I received and I knew he was different, I was excited without understanding why, and I shared the message with my mum telling her I kinda loved him. She said the same back. 
He was intelligent, witty, charismatic and had a strong sense of self which I immediately noticed and was attracted to. I didn’t quite want him in any way yet, but I was definitely curious about him. He seemed different. Which is all I ever wanted. I was sick of feeling like another one of those girls that thought men were all the same, when I knew it wasn’t true. 

The first time we met; 
I paced around unable to contain my excitement or nerves. It wasn’t a date and I continued to tell myself that, but I was still nervous just as if it was. 
I hear the sound of a car door opening and I freeze immediately and just listen. I can’t move. I hear a notification on my phone and a knock on my door simultaneously...he’s here. Meeting someone you have a connection to prior, is an unusual thing. It’s almost impossible not to build an image of who you think they are in your mind, and it’s interesting to see if they are as you imagined. 
I noticed so many things at once upon first meeting him...his fashion sense which I found really attractive, he was taller than I expected, and the warmth I felt from him were the first few main ones. He looked kind of different to his photo but his personality was exactly as I expected and I forgot about his appearance in the first moments of knowing him. We get to know one another, he tells me about himself and the more I learn the more I feel myself relax. I wouldn’t usually get my hopes up with people, I was stubborn and a little closed (re: love). But as he spoke I forgot it all, and felt myself attach to the outcome of us. I didn’t want to marry him (well, I did haha) but realistically, and rationally…I just wanted this relationship, friendship, whatever it would be…to continue. I was just so curious about him and so curious about the feelings I was feeling. Before he left I said I really liked who he is and would really love to see him again, he agreed. 

The beginning;
We got close; in some ways quickly and others slowly. We’d spend nights up speaking until 2am and the days texting, but physically we kept distance between us. Each of us aware of the boundaries which should be in place and careful to move slowly. I was crazy about him. The more I learned the more my initial unjustified and spontaneous feelings became justified. For so long I believed it was too good to be true, and that’s the only thing that kept me down to earth and my head out of the clouds. 
I found myself spending more time looking at his lips and wishing I could kiss them. Each night we’d spend together we sat closer, and closer. Until one night he was playing with my fingers, and the next his hand was on my leg while we spoke. All in the most subtle and innocent way, but the small changes that brought us closer never went by unnoticed. I think we each knew we were no longer friends, but I think neither one of us wanted to bring it up out of fear of interrupting this thing that was progressing so nicely and naturally. But hey, this is Sam we’re talking about...and nothing drives me more crazy that ambiguity and lack of clarity. I finally bring it up and the reservations I had with asking were solidified by the response I got in return. He immediately apologised for crossing any boundaries and withdrew as if he couldn’t ‘fix’ things quickly enough. He told me we could be however I wanted us to be and that he was just doing what felt natural, and apologised. His response caught me by surprise and was endearing, I could see that he cared for me. How i wanted us to be? I realise he’s misunderstood me and I begin trying to fix things as quickly as he does. Between trying to undo what I had said and explain that he’s misunderstood I manage to blurt out that if I could I would have kissed him by now. and everything stops.
“So...you would have kissed me by now if you could?” His expression cheeky and less concerned, and I’m blushing from my forehead to my toes. The bravery is gone and I’m too shy to answer.
He kisses me.
I scream internally for the rest of the night because I am so happy.

We do talk, too. He reminds me that he wants me to have time to heal from my previous relationship and that we should take things slow, I agree. I always end up diving head first into relationships and I don’t want that to be the case this time. He tells me how important a foundation of a strong friendship is for him and I feel the same. Things move slowly and I feel relieved. he likes me ee.
We make an unspoken rule that we date on weekends and throughout the week we’re friends and I like it. It adds some fun boundaries and a longing which…call me crazy but I kind of enjoy. I like being reminded not to take things for granted, I like the butterflies that time and distance bring. (shorts amount of time…and small distances….a.k.a me being careful what I wish for - you’ll see why later.)
Things progress and somehow suddenly it’s been a year of him and I. I wish I could say things are perfect...they’re not…but they kind of also are. I mean, they are. Yep. Every day I like him more and every day I’m surprised by it. Him and I are incredible together. We adore one another, we laugh a lot, we support one another. He’s seen me imperfect and messy and real and I love that. We’ve shared secrets and talked about really difficult topics. Every conversation I expect to result in an argument is spoken about with respect and love, and I still find myself surprised by him and his ability to stay rational and caring in emotional circumstances. I’ve always been pretty level headed and found irrational behaviour really hard to understand and hurtful, and he’s rational and emotionally intelligent and god it’s sexy.

I know what you’re thinking…Sounds pretty perfect, so…?
He’s not sure he can stay. He is chasing a career dream and a relationship isn’t part of it and until he has that he doesn’t want to promise himself to me if he’s unsure if he can keep it. I understand, I really do. And I appreciate his honesty. I’ve always said I’d rather the hard to hear truth, over a lie just for the sake of protecting my feelings. It’s hard. For both of us. We speak about it every couple of months and every time I cry and we both ache. 
I’ve always wanted to love someone as they are, I never want to ask my partner to sacrifice anything for me, because I never want them to resent me in the future, but this is the first time truly choosing to love him and let him be him, means potentially letting him go.

Who knows what will happen in the future. 
In the beginning I tried to separate us a couple of times - “Can you just leave me alone and let us be single.” I’d say - terrified of another heartache. He knew I never really meant what I was saying and was patient with me. He told me we could do whatever I wanted but was always there with open arms when I returned. Realistically, just as my heart will ache if he leaves, it ached while we were apart and we always ended up back together.

I remember one time slowly walking up to him and putting my head in his chest after spending a couple of days being cold with him. (That’s the most I could ever last.) “Avoiding you is tiring…I need a break.” I say, and he laughs endearingly and he holds me. In hindsight, he put up with a lot of hot and cold at the beginning and I am grateful for it. Honestly…He accepts me, and knows me, like really knows me, and cares for me, and when you have all that you want in front of you it just feels ridiculous not to choose it. 

I’ve decided to do my best to live for the now. While he’s here I am happy and I am grateful. 
I’m trying not to think about when he’s gone.

People ask if I’m in a relationship all of the time. I never know what to say.
We haven’t called it that, I don’t really know what this is called. 
What do you call it when two people have feelings for one another and aren’t together? 

insanity?