May

This year for my birthday in April I decided to take “the leap” and spend some time off of social media.

Anyone who has read my blog posts knows it’s something I’ve been at war with for a while and have tried in the past and failed. In its innocent form I love social media: an easy way to keep in touch with friends, to make new ones, and stay inspired creatively. I have so many friends who I have made on Instagram and even back from the MySpace days. Somewhere without me noticing it turned from leisurely to consuming and I decided I wanted to break the habit. I was so sick of having things I wanted to do but not feeling like I had the time. Feeling constantly…conscious(?) of myself, of other people, of the reactions I might get to things I share, rather than being present in moments. It was mentally tiring. Now that I feel the way I do, it is fascinating to think about the struggle I had making the decision. Will I still want to take photos if I have no one to share them with? Is that why I take photos? For people’s reactions? Why do I take photos? It made me question a lot of things about myself.

I watched YouTube videos on this (I know, such a 21st century kid) and people raved on about it changing their life and you listen and kind of roll your eyes like “…yeah, yeah.” and to be honest I didn’t do it looking for some extraordinary result…I did it to force myself into productivity and focus. All I wanted was to be more present in the tasks I was doing and to feel less distracted. To find “flow” (as a podcast I was listening to called it.) But man, I feel so good. Dare I also say it was….life changing? Haha…sorry.
Anyway…everyone lives differently, everyone has their own goals and purposes and focus and things that make them feel good, I always felt frustrated at myself for my lack of concentration (a friend of mine told me she read a study which says humans now have 3 second concentration spans - that’s less than goldfish) and I found that I felt my self esteem was at its highest when I was able to zone into something without distraction, and at its lowest when I would see gorgeous girls on social media. I was constantly reminding myself “comparison is the thief of joy” a quote I read so long again - but as easy it is to remember, it is easy to forget especially during more vulnerable times, and I noticed that zoning into something without distraction was becoming a rarity. 

I deactivated my Facebook and deleted my Instagram app with the intention to break my habits and make social media a less relevant part of my day. I swear to you I tried to open my (no longer existent) Instagram app at least 5 times in my first hour of deleting. And within the first week, probably at least 10 times a day out of habit. Even innocently - wanting to look at restaurant menus, or look up an actress, it shocked me how many times I would forget, and that made me realise how ‘second nature’ opening the app was. I reflected on how many times I would open the app in the past to do something and would find myself scrolling without intention before I knew it. It was gratifying to realise how many times I had stopped myself wasting time, I found myself imagining the difference of my day if I hadn’t. 

Days off of my phone feel disconnected in the best way. The feeling I most dreaded has been the feeling I most enjoy, I feel completely committed to myself and it has been mentally rewarding. I’ve been making more foods from scratch, learning a lot as a result of reading more with my new found time. I was sitting at a cafe with my friend and she went to the bathroom, ordinarily id scroll to pass the time but instead I sat and observed my surroundings, feeling calm and grateful and present. I finished a book for the first time in so long…A little teenie tiny short one but I really enjoyed it. I have started my next one too…Esther Perrel, I love her. Weirdly I feel my vocabulary has slightly improved and I feel less foggy in my mind. When people ask what I did on the weekend I actually remember, rather than it all just feeling like a blur.

I’m not sure what decision I’ll make in the future. Whether I’ll be on socials once a week, a month, a year, always or never. We’ll see, I just really like this feeling.

ok, time to go. 🙃
I think I like the idea of a monthly update. 
See you guys next month ✌️ I mean, maybe.