An Ode To 2023

This year has been so transformative for me, it feels important to document it in words.

I think I would almost go as far as saying as it has felt like one of the happiest years of my life, and if not the happiest, for sure the proudest. I know I’ll have difficulty emphasizing the magnitude, and why it has had such an impact personally, but as always I’ll try my best. 

As we know from previous blogs, 2023 is the year I decided to step away from employment and to freelance instead. I can honestly say in the lead up to leaving my job, it was one of the most stressed and nervous times of my life. To give some context, doing this is something I have wanted for years but never felt was possible due to A: my dire need for stability, and B: my lack of belief in myself. 

Taking the step became easier when a friend approached me with some consistent work and a promise of solid hours, but as mentioned previously, it didn’t work out as planned. When I think of being proud of myself, I don’t actually think about it from the time of leaving my job (though, this was a ginormous and emotional step for me to take.) I actually think about it from the time of that particular work arrangement ending. Up until then I saw this new arrangement as “my new job” I was doing almost full time hours, they paid me weekly, essentially I had just put all of my eggs from one basket, to another. Whereas stepping away from that situation meant, for the first time really, I was on my own. (0 baskets)

I remember the rollercoaster of those few weeks, one day crying on the phone about how stressed I felt, the next, determined, saying I had crunched the numbers on how long I could afford to live without income. The situation was not ideal at all, but the truth is, being involved in unhealthy relationships is such a hard no from me. I have suffered the blows to my mental health caused by other people in the past, and over the years built myself into a person that at some point decided that I had enough of giving people that power over me. One thing I will say about myself quite proudly, is although I am not always the most brave person, when my mental health is at stake I will always find the courage from somewhere.

“I have planned for this.” I thought to myself. I finished my house build when I was 22 years old and (knowing myself well) my biggest cause for concern is always feeling safe financially. I didn’t relax for at least 2 years after I finished building. I didn’t go out for meals with friends, it was 4 years before I took a holiday, I didn’t spend unnecessarily, I always knew I needed to reach a certain position to feel safe and that if I lost my job I wanted to know I had my own back. “I have planned for this.” I tell myself again over and over. The timing fell right before Italy and this situation became the ultimate surrender. 

The proud moments continued on the plane to Italy. There’s something so invigorating about doing things you’re afraid of, and for some reason going to Italy this year made me so nervous. I suppose I shared it in my previous post, but I really did have no idea what to expect. The proudness further continued in Italy when I let myself feel free from the stresses potentially waiting for me at home. Regardless of being a pretty rational person, I can also be (or could be hehe) a huge control freak. Old Sam would have spent her downtime stressed, anxious, and making a life plan (there is nothing a good spreadsheet can’t fix) but I was so determined to let nothing ruin this trip that I had waited for years through Covid to finally take again. I missed my family so much, I missed Italy so much - this was going to be a happy trip no matter what, and it was. Every time I go to Italy I feel like a piece of my heart stays there.

Without going into the ins and outs of every month after coming home until now, somehow, things just kind of fell into place. I have found a consistent contract once a week, I have stumbled upon video work, photo work, social media work, I am hiring out my van, and somehow, little by little, I got to this point where I wake up each morning and think “Is this really my life?” 

I am completely aware that by no means I am living everyones dream life. I am not making tonnes of money, in fact its amazing how much I manage to do with so little, but I am so happy, and that is worth so much more for me. I’ve always said time is more valuable than money for me, and I feel like I have gained so much this year.

Throughout the year I have been presented with job opportunities and I have (apprehensively) turned them down, thinking to myself: “I hope I don’t regret this.” But I say the same thing every time someone offers: “I have wanted to be remote for so long, and I want to enjoy this for as long as I can.” (Followed by immense appreciation of course.) I know this may not last forever, maybe next month, in 6 months, in a year, I’ll need to jump back into employment. Life is life, right? It’s unpredictable and terrifying at times, but now that so much of my life is mine again, I am holding onto it so so tight.

I have always been a very grateful person, even prior to this year there has always been so much I love about my life. But I have always had this niggling sense of frustration that there were so many hours of my week where I felt I had no choice/control. I would envy my freelancing friend’s flexibility so much. I’d think to myself: I want to wake up and think, wow, the weather is beautiful this morning, I’ll go for a walk and start work an hour later today. Or if my parents need me, to be able to be with them immediately without asking for permission. I want to choose when I visit my family in Italy, I want to make myself healthy lunches every day, I want to cook my dinners from scratch, I want to be available for my friends. Work and career hasn’t ever been a huge part of my identity. I know work is necessary, and you can’t enjoy life very much without any money these days unless you decide to go down the completely self sustainable route (considered it, trust me.) but for me, living life fully is to have choices and time. To feel at peace going to bed each night, and happy waking up each morning.

I have rewritten this blog so many times because sharing these things feels a little pointless. This has been such a personal experience for me, and it makes it difficult to share. In reality, what I feel most proud of feels unquantifiable because it’s not so much about achievements or a destination, but more the personal transformation and journey I have experienced with myself to get “here.” (I have no idea if I’ve arrived.)

Though I am proud of who I am and where I am now, I am more proud of the girl crying on the phone terrified of somehow ending up homeless (I am dramatic when I am stressed ok) and that regardless of the uncertainty, she still pulled herself together and refused to settle into comfort again and take the easy options. I am proud of the girl sitting in her car before every job she said yes to out of necessity (that she didn’t believe she could do), pep talking herself and doing it anyway regardless of how hard her heart was beating, or hands were shaking, or how much she just wanted to turn around and go home. I am proud of that same girl getting in the car after completing the job and realizing it’s never as scary as her mind makes it. I am proud of how much easier getting in the car gets for new jobs now, as I feel my comfort zone expanding. I am proud for staying disciplined in my routine and still prioritizing health regardless of no one keeping me accountable to my healthy habits anymore. It was so overwhelming being in complete control of my life - work is such a convenient excuse. “Oh I was in a rush so I didn’t get time to cook, I just got something quick.” “Can’t go to the gym, I have work.” “I wish I could make that social gathering, but I’m working.” …What do you MEAN, if I dont want to go to something I just have to say no, like a real-life grown up.

This year has been a mirror on my strengths and weaknesses, and with my income dependent on me, I had no choice but to confront them. It’s been a huge year of growth and self development. I took more control of some things, surrendered control to other. It’s felt like a balancing act, sometimes more stressful than a regular job, other times I can’t imagine my life any different now that I’ve experienced this. All in all and I feel the best way I can summarize is: I am so f’in proud of myself for just trying. In the end thats all I can do, and all I want to do, regardless of the outcome, is to always try my best. In work, and in life.

This year, I have gone to the beach more often than ever (my happy place here at home), I started running (who would have EVER thought), I tried CrossFit, the gym (and finally found a gym class I really enjoy). I went to Italy and Spain, met new people, spent more time with my parents, more time with my friends. It’s been the first year in forever that I’ve had the energy and time to do little Christmas gifts for my friends, I’ve cooked for my parents, and hosted them for dinner, I’ve baked more bread than ever, hosted more pizza nights with friends than anyone would believe, and I’ve improved in speaking Italian ten fold. I love that I have the energy to do these things and to give not only to the people in my life who are important to me, but to myself too.

I feel like this year healed my heart, and healed my soul and I just feel so full and grateful and excited to see what the next year holds.