Reunited with my one true love (Italy)
It’s interesting; missing something and then seeing it after a long time. As I’m sitting on the plane on my way to Italy I find myself wondering if I’ll love it this time as much as the last, or if over time I have created an illusion of Italy that’s been romanticised by my time away.
My last trip I stayed with my Zio (Uncle), and this trip I stayed with my Zia (Aunty). It’s not much of a difference location wise (as they live across the road from one another) but I was so excited to spend more time with Zia and get to know her better, the same way I was with Zio the first time.
I felt much more settled into myself this time, the last time I still felt very young and though the trip was incredible, everything I was seeing, everyone I was meeting (so many people), it was all new and though I didn’t feel it then, I think it was a little overwhelming in hindsight when I compare it to how I felt this time. Some people (normal people, probably) love seeing places for the first time, I love seeing places for the second time. I would not call myself the most spontaneous person, and I don’t love uncertainty (lol, welcome to life, Sam.) which is why I love the feeling of revisiting places. I feel more relaxed, and when I’m relaxed I feel like I can focus more on noticing and enjoying the small things.
I went to Italy with no plan, and no idea what to expect. Would I spend much time alone? Would I see the same people I saw the last time I came? All I knew as I got on the plane was who was picking me up from the airport. This year has been hugely transformative for me, which is perhaps a topic to speak about in another blog post, but my attitude towards stress has changed entirely. So rather than stress that I had no plan, I just decided to embrace it and approach the trip without any expectations. Just to be in Italy was enough for me, anything else was a bonus. Plus, to be honest, I love the small day to day things; going to a cafe in the morning and getting a coffee and brioche, walking to the shops, sitting on the balcony in the sun, after a very very stressful first half of my year I decided that even if I do absolutely nothing, it will be my chance to rest, reset, be close to my family, and hopefully come back to Australia with my cup full.
My first full day there, I remember the moment I felt myself fall in love again. My Zia and I were walking to the shops, along the way we stopped and spoke to about four different people, they all greeted me so warmly as she introduced me “questa è mia nipote dall'Australia”, they would do the kiss kiss Italian thing, and call me beautiful. There’s just a warmth in the way Italians look at you, and the way they connect, whether it’s with a small touch, or in their eye contact, they feel so full of love and it makes me feel so at home there. As we enter the supermarket, Zia knows the cashier, the deli lady, and the owner comes out as she is paying for her shopping and says he’s going past her house later and offers to drop her shopping off for her as he knows she doesn’t drive. These people are my people.
"ti piace l'italia?” Do you like Italy? many people that I met during my 3 week visit would ask. “I love Italians…but I love Australia.” The culture in Italy (in my opinion) is a lot healthier than the one in Australia for many reasons, but life in Australia is much easier than life in Italy. “I am looking for an Italian husband” I would say jokingly, and everyone would get excited and suggest people they knew. “Ohh, you can have my son.” One lady told me. “…BUT” I would add cheekily “…he needs to come back home with me to Australia.” as I speak to mothers that I know would never volunteer this of their Italian sons. “Oh, nope. you can’t have my son then.” she replies and we laugh.
The trip was really interesting for me. Once I realised I was still as in love as the last time I visited (2018), I really started viewing it through the lens of could I actually live here. Perhaps summarising it in this way sounds dramatic but I’ve never really felt I fit in with Australian culture. Its the smallest of “normals” in life that are normal for me that aren’t normal for most other people, or vice versa. I suppose that’s the definition of culture, and I never realised the culture I was brought up in was an Italian one, until I spent time with Italians and all of a sudden I felt like I fit in, which is a feeling I don’t think I even realised how much I craved, until I felt it.
This is the most seriously I have ever considered moving elsewhere. It’s quite confronting stepping away from your regular life and looking at it from a distance. I wasn’t actually sure if I felt happy or sad to be going home, but I know I didn’t quite feel ready. There were connections I made that I would have loved to have the opportunity to strengthen in person, I had just started getting into the rhythm of speaking the language, if I could have, I would have stayed for a few more weeks, but of course, I still left feeling grateful to have the time that I had. I remember saying to Xavi as we walked through Spain at the end of my trip, and we talked about the weight of future decisions “I just want to be happy, each day, that’s literally all I want in life, and it feels like the most simple, and complicated thing ever.”
I must say, being home has been special too. At first a little overwhelming, but I do love my people here so much and seeing them all has reminded me that I have so much love here too. Transitioning into adulthood I really feel like I have found gorgeous sweet humans that love me as I am and that’s all I can ask for, and I have built myself a life that I love. I am such a beach girl, and on sunny days, driving 15 minutes to see the sunset, or to walk on our quiet beaches, I am reminded that it wouldn’t be so bad to continue to call this place home.
The start of the year was full of adversities, but I really feel I have come out of each one feeling more clear-minded and more confident in myself. I am so proud of the outlook I currently have on life, my approach to challenges or stress has changed completely, and I can honestly say I’ve been more courageous this year than I ever expected to be, or ever knew that I was capable of being. I just feel so full of love and gratitude and I’m so happy, that I know that as long as I am this Sam, and I continue to love and support myself in this way, it doesn’t matter if home is Italy, or if home is Australia, life will continue to feel pretty damn special.