October

Spent a majority of October waiting for online orders to arrive so we didn’t have to guess the size of the furniture.

Within this time I changed the layout (blue tape) on the floor 5000 times, and thought of a million different plan ideas, but I have finally found one I am happy with! The van is honestly teenie tiny, and making use of the space is the most important but most difficult part because any change in dimension affects the entire van space. Very excited to see it all come together.

A lot of people have commented on my toilet and find it amusing that its something I decided to put in. I was going to keep it private but I guess I should explain why in such a small space I considered that a necessity - in fact (this is not a joke) I designed my whole van layout around the toilet. Above fridge, above storage, it was a non-negotiable for me.

Since I was little I have had a phobia of insects and it has significantly impacted my life. I spent childhood years with therapists, psychologists, and even tried hypnotherapy. I hate admitting it because I know phobias are irrational and I keep telling myself that if I deny it in my own mind it will go away. I try really hard to not give into it, but its something that affects me daily. Easy daily things are difficult for me and it takes significant effort and courage for me to do things outdoors around home. A phobia is something you can’t explain to someone who hasn’t experienced that kind of fear. Not only is it paralysing, it is completely involuntary, and traumatising. I can still walk through my parents house and remember moments in different areas of the house where insects surprised me and I got scared when I was a child. It is like this hyper awareness. I will notice the smallest spider upon walking into a room that I walk into every single day. I always joke that its a super power but its truly a curse. I hate talking about it, sometimes people don’t understand because insects are something that a lot of people are afraid of, but they’re regular afraid. Friends in the past have thought it milder than it is and tried to scare me and they don’t understand the psychological impact it has. I hate halloween - obviously. My fear started when as a joke someone threw a bucket of fake insects on me when I was 3 years old, so even fake insects make me extremely uncomfortable. It’s irrational, but it’s the truth. Depending on my mental state and stability some times I am better than others, and some environments I am more calm and okay. Last halloween my workplace witnessed me having a complete mental breakdown over fake spiders they used to decorate the clinic (not realising the extent of my fear) which is not their fault because I down play it. I was completely embarrassed, Xavi was there and he saw it, I had told him about the extent of it and even he was surprised when he saw it. His support and lack of judgement was amazing at that time, and I know he wants to work together to change things for me. On the contrary, the other day we went to lunch at a restaurant that had fake spiders everywhere for halloween (fkn halloween) and I was fine. It is so dumb, I hate it. and only people that live with a true phobia of something will understand the feeling not only in the moment, but how it traumatises you in the future too.

For this reason the idea of camping is just unthinkable. I hate being outdoors at night. I hate it. Parties, bars, whatever it is. If it’s outdoors I am extremely uncomfortable. This is another reason why getting the van was such a big achievement for me. It’s me (even if in a small way) not letting fear stop me from doing what I want to do. Which is explore. When I went out in Kassy’s van, her and Stephen were amazing and understanding. They chose an open space not surrounded by a lot of bushland, they brought citronella candles, I don’t actually know if they realise how much I appreciated it, but I really did. The only thing that made me stressed was where to go to the toilet because public outdoor bathrooms are like, the top of the list of places I want to spend 0 time in - especially at night. When Xavi and I went down south we pulled up to our camp spot and (of course) I had to pee. I made him come in with me and check every single corner of the cubicle and entire bathroom to check if it was okay. My friends know about this too. Honestly, expecting anyone to do this for me every single place we go is unreasonable and the anxiety and guilt that comes with it is not worth it. I spent $60 on a cute little toilet and thats not much to spend for ease of mind, already I have felt myself shift from anxious to excited for our adventures.

Anyway.

Heavy post, sorry. Please don’t speak to me about this in person but if anyone wants to talk over message I’m open, I hate talking about it in person because I’ll either cry or to avoid crying I’ll down play it majorly and you’ll be like wtf when you see me have a mental breakdown over a daddy long legs.