Hi

After my last relationship ended, I became been more quiet and private in my life than ever since starting this blog. He pointed out to me that not everyone is comfortable with sharing things as openly as I am, and as selfish as it sounds it was truly a revelation for me, and something I had never truly considered. I suppose that made me a little more conscious, followed by self conscious, and my “just let it out” style of writing then had to become considered, careful and it felt so much harder to be completely honest speaking from that perspective. 

This was around 3 years ago, and in that time I have actually really enjoyed living as a more private person. It definitely comes with less anxiety, sharing online is vulnerable and though it brings support and connection, the anxiety of baring your heart and not knowing how it will be received is definitely a large element and “risk” that comes with the vulnerability. 

I can not tell you how many personal blog posts I have started and not completed over these 3 years. It has been discouraging to not be able to complete one, and even writing this I’m not sure I’ll make it to the end. 

I’ve been feeling enormous pressure from life lately, self inflicted of course. I’m 28 and definitely feel like I should have things more together than I do. I don’t have much stability right now, and I really value that in my life so it scares me. I’ve been taking some space from my relationship, which has been hard but necessary. I’m still unsure where this break is leading, and have huge internal conflicts about it. Parts of me are stemmed in all different directions: a big part of me is desperate to go to Italy and stay for a while, another part of me wants to get a dog and have a little companion, part of me wants to study something to do with interior design, architecture, real estate, another part of me wants to look into doing counselling or life coaching. In one way I am craving new connections, new friends, and new challenges, and in another, I just want to stay at home and read, paint, play piano, and enjoy the simplicities of life. I am a handful of contradictions right now and it’s exhausting and confusing, honestly. Sometimes I feel like I have so much pent up energy that I’m unsure where to channel it, other times I feel too exhausted to do anything. 

I started therapy, which I’m really proud of myself for. Honestly, I consider myself such a simple person - I just want to be happy and fulfilled, and usually, that doesn’t take much at all, I’m unsure when ‘happy’ became such a complex recipe with so many ingredients. I am trying to strip it back down and make it feel simple again, though as a perfectionist that is easier said than done. 

This is where I always struggle. My blogs always get deleted because they don’t really have a point, there’s no real message, no real reason I’m writing it, nothing I need from you and nothing I can really offer. This just is what it is and is where I am at right now. I wish I felt more proud of it, and I guess that’s why it is hard to share. My life is in so many ways fantastic: my parents are just the greatest two people on this earth and I’m so lucky to have them, I have the most supportive and wonderful friends who I feel I can truly be myself around, I love the people who walk through the doors of my work as if they are my family, in fact, all of the relationships in my life right now are lead with love and that is something I find so truly irreplaceable. I am conscious to remain grateful every day regardless of how I am feeling, I am just truly on the search for fulfilment right now and unsure in which corner of life it is tucked into.