Big one
I started writing this note on my phone a couple of months ago; I have separated my entries so you can see just how quickly life changes. For those of you who have heard me rave about journaling, this is why…life is crazy.
June
For someone like me, breakups feel like the hardest thing in the world. Maybe it’s because I am fortunate enough to not have experienced much adversity in my life, or maybe it’s because my heart is the size of my body and teaching it to stop loving someone feels impossible. Heartbroken Sam feels like a Sam that is helpless and unable to move. When I’m here, I never imagine myself feeling better, but I know somehow I always do and it’s this weird awareness of time being the absolute most painful thing, but also knowing it’s the most necessary element of healing.
I’ve never really spoken about my mum and dad much on this blog. Every day, without realising it’s possible, I appreciate them more, and I find myself wondering how I’d ever get through times like this if it wasn’t for their love. They taught me love, and their example has set the standard for what I expect in my life and sometimes I wonder if it’s even reasonable. Will anyone ever love me the way they do? Completely, unwaveringly, without reservations. I can only hope. I’ve realised one of my biggest fears in life would be losing them.
There has been beauty that has come from this difficult time and I haven’t let it slip by unnoticed. I have people who truly care about me in my life and it’s sad that this is the circumstance that made me truly notice it but I am so grateful. As I speak to them and start to cry, I notice their eyes well up with mine, it makes me feel so cared about. The way they check in with me…I’ve made new friends, and become closer with old ones. Life is so weirdly emotional, the unexpected little moments of happiness through sadness, and vice versa. it makes me think about a quote I saw in one of my novels.
“Happiness isn’t some permanent thing we’re all trying to achieve in life, it’s merely a thing that shows up every now and then, sometimes in tiny doses that are just substantial enough to keep us going.” - Colleen Hoover
I’m consumed by a book at the moment which is my favourite way to be right now, when I’m not distracted I feel lonely, which is an emotion I’m not overly familiar with. Growing up as an only child, I have always loved alone time and looked forward to it, but apparently being 28 and fresh out of a three-year relationship means loneliness is my body’s emotion of choice. I don’t think I would feel this way if I wasn’t paranoid about my time frame. I’m not ready to meet anyone new because a new relationship feels like it’ll take far more than I’m able to give right now, but being alone ignites the horrible sense of urgency that I need to fix this situation I’m in. I need to be patient with myself.
July
Dad has cancer in his heart and suddenly I feel selfish and ridiculous for caring about anything else in the past few weeks. I just brought a camera, I just booked annual leave for Italy next year, I just got this new water bottle that I was stupidly excited about, and now all those things seem so unimportant and small.
15 years ago we were told he had a few months left due to a rare aggressive cancer, and we’ve had him here for 15 more years, I know asking for any more of a miracle would be greedy but if there’s any luck left in our lives I would like to use it now.
It’s strange how life just goes on whether you are happy or sad. Events continue on in my calendar, I have work tomorrow, I got a notification from my period app saying my period is due and as I see it I half laugh; My own body, the thing I am closest to, won’t even stop to let me catch my breath for a minute.
I know it is unrealistic to imagine going through life without any hardship, but when I imagine life-changing events, I imagine them happening slowly. I know that it is likely that I’ll have to live on this earth without my parents one day, I know life won’t always be smooth, but naively I imagine there’d be some kind of warning, premonition, or chance to prepare. A 5-minute conversation with mum on the phone “dad has cancer on his heart.” 6 words. And my life felt completely different to the moment before it. Honestly, and this is the most eloquently I can put it - life is fucking crazy.
Xavi came over as soon as I told him which solidifies the severity of the news…Nothing makes that guy leave work early. I cry and tell him that parents aren’t supposed to get sick, he laughs and tenderly says “it’s the other way around, their kids aren’t supposed to get sick.” I’m adamant he’s wrong. Parents are used to being the support person, they’ve trained for it, it’s their role. I don’t know how to be the grown-up in situations and I don’t want to be, it’s literally the reason I don’t feel ready for kids. I lay with him and think about how last month we were breaking up over things that feel so insignificant compared to this, I know he feels the same. I wonder if people lived this way how many fewer divorces there’d be? I’m not saying he and I are meant to be together, but surely with appreciation constantly present, issues wouldn’t be able to thrive in any relationship. I do try to live this way, conscious of how precious things in life can be, but it’s easy to become complacent and I’m not perfect.
I’d like to find someone who chooses to live the same way. Someone who will decide that we’re bigger than anything that comes our way.
I wonder how Colleen Hoover would write about my life right now. I imagine she’d find a way to make the devastation beautiful and I find myself trying to do the same. Things have been tough and I have been struggling.
I think about how many people go through life with so much going on in the background that no one knows about. I can’t tell you how much I want to hibernate and not leave my room. I definitely need time off work but knowing clients will ask why I was away and joke that I’ve been on a holiday and then me not knowing how to respond is enough for me to just stay. It’s not their fault, it’s such a normal thing to assume. I wonder how many times I have done this to people, too.
In saying all this while I am at work I am so grateful to be around people who are so loving and nice and supportive. The relationship I have with my colleagues and with the clients is unlike anything I could have ever imagined when I began working there, and though getting myself to work is incredibly difficult, being there is a nice escape from my thoughts.
It’s a hard truth for me to accept that support comes from letting people in, but it’s true. The support I have received from being open to people close to me has been unimaginable. I take note of this as I am very much usually a fan of pretending things are okay until eventually they are. You should take note of this too. (I always say should is my least favourite word but that’s an important one…don’t @ me everyone who knows me well enough to know I’m being a huge hypocrite right now)
I know I always say I’m grateful but I am just SO grateful for my friends.
It hit me today how much they truly support me, and not just offer to support me but actually provide it. Life is scary and hard sometimes, but I continue to take inspiration from them on how I’ll ever be for people that are going through a hard time because they’re incredible and teach me so much about what it means to be a good friend and good person.
Last week
Today was the appointment we’ve been waiting for, to find out what this all means. It’s weird, only being able to plan up to a certain point, and reaching it. Planning in advance is such a privilege I never considered. It’s weird knowing your life could completely change and knowing the hour it will happen. I can’t help but think of people asking that question “would you rather be able to change the past or know the future” this feels like knowing the future and I do not like the feeling. I try to keep my thoughts at bay but also out of protection for myself I find myself emotionally preparing for the worst. My mind is my worst nightmare all morning…It feels vulnerable to think too positive, but I’m afraid to think negative.
I wait in my car after dropping mum and dad off for an hour, which feels like 3. I scroll through Facebook and see people living their normal lives and envy them.
I see mum and dad come out and the first thing I notice is that there are no tears, this is a good sign right? Mum would definitely be crying if it wasn’t good news. But maybe she’s waiting until she gets in the car. I hold my breath until they sit in the car and mum says “well, it wasn’t entirely bad news.” She tells me that whatever it is they saw, they can see a little on his spine too but that they’re not sure if it’s cancer. They want us to wait 2 months and go back to see if it’s spread so they can assess the severity and then they may consider radiotherapy. “2 months!?” The Sam that has been scared to plan one day ahead due to the severity of the situation speaks. “Yes, Sam that’s good. That means he’s fine for 2 months and can live like normal.” I am relieved and I realise how sad that is. I literally wasn’t sure if we’d have him for 2 more weeks, two months of being able to relax are simultaneously amazing and not enough. I didn’t think I took time for-granted before, but I never thought of it as precious as I have in the last few weeks.
We have dinner together as a family which is common for us, but we’re noticeably more relaxed for the first time in weeks. “Dad gets told he’s okay and as soon as he gets home he does all of the gardening…he does not know how to relax” mum jokingly complains, because we know this about dad; sitting still is his worst nightmare. “I thought you weren’t supposed to be bending down?” I said to dad protectively. “Nah, I’m fine now.” He shrugs off, mum agrees while rolling her eyes and says the doctor says he can live as normal. “Okay well in that case my garden needs doing too. No more slacking off.” I joke to dad “I know, I’ll be there.” and he says it with an intent that makes me certain he’s been thinking about it for the past few weeks too. Dad’s back.
He’s doing the dishes, while mum and I unset the table. My entire life mum has cooked and dad has done the dishes, it’s their arrangement. For the past few weeks due to his pain he hasn’t been able to, and having him back in his normal place after dinner and back into our family routine doesn’t go unnoticed to me.
We are exactly where I want us right now, and it’s the most grateful I’ve felt in a long time.
Now
I saw Xavi for his birthday the other day and it’s left me feeling more at peace than I have in a long time. Our situation is unusual and perhaps hard for outsiders to understand, it’s hard for me to understand. Put simply, we still love each other very very much, which isn’t simple at all, but for the first time in months it feels it. I feel like he and I are exactly where we are meant to be right now. It feels crazy to verbalise but from the day I met that man I think I loved him, and I felt a connection with him in that moment that I can truly say I was afraid to lose. It felt like I had found this missing piece of my life and I felt a little fuller with him around, it’s felt that way every second I’ve known him since. Like somehow we finally found each other and things made a little more sense. The relationship between us was always easy, but external factors made it hard and they just became too much. It got to a point where we couldn’t be what each other needed and the only solution to save our relationship was to end it.
At the time it never feels like the right choice choosing to give up someone you love. I kept finding myself wondering how this could possibly be the solution, knowing that people spend a lifetime trying to find exactly what we had, but in this case, holding on was doing nothing but hurting us. We had to give each other some room to breathe, with hope that we would find out way back to one another in whichever way we could.
It has been hard, I’ve pushed him away admittedly, been mad, sarcastic, distant, anything to protect myself from hurting further, but finally when I saw him the other day it felt like we found each other again and are exactly where we are meant to be right now. Me, more comfortable with where my feelings are at, both of us are significantly less stressed, and significantly more happy. “You’re my best friend, and I am here for you no matter what, and I always want to be here for you.” He tells me. It makes me cry. I realise he makes me feel more loved and more seen than I ever have felt by anyone that isn’t my family. We talk about if we date other people and how that’ll work, he tells me it will hurt at first but he hopes he can meet the person and shake his hand to show he’s not a threat, and still be a part of my life regardless.
I’ve always said I don’t believe you can be friends with exes. Not because of the obvious reasons; temptations, feelings etc. Of course, these are things to consider, but I am very good at maintaining boundaries so they have never been a concern for me. For me, the reason is that it feels so surface level after a relationship. You go from seeing each other naked (physically and emotionally) to discussing what?… The weather? But unsurprisingly, It’s not like that with Xavi and me. The dynamic is the same and I’m grateful for that. We are both very forthcoming people and we don’t cover up what’s real with pleasantries or small talk, we never have. We don’t deny what we had and don’t pretend it didn’t exist. He doesn’t pretend not to truly know me or see me, nor do I, him. The trust we built over the 3 years we dated is still completely intact, he’s the exact same, I’m the exact same, without the physical intimacy but with all of the emotional intimacy and I value it so much I could cry thinking about it.
I’m not ready to think about being in a new relationship yet, nor would I be ready to get back into a relationship with Xavi if circumstances changed. I am in a space where I’d like to spend some time healing a little, then meet some new people and maybe go on a few dates. I’ll always be honest with who I meet if they ask, I have no concerns that being friends with Xavi will stop me from getting into a new relationship because I intend to be with someone who goes into a relationship openly without preconceived fears or judgements. Every situation is unique, every person is unique; there are exes that have asked me to be friends and I have said I felt it wasn’t a good idea for reasons unique to the individual. I value loyalty and would never put myself in a situation that would compromise that. I know Xavis's values, and he is the same, nor would he ever put me in a compromising situation for selfish reasons. We’ve seen one another hurt, we don’t want to be the reason for it ever again - that’s what loving someone is, wanting what’s best for them, even if it’s not each other. I don’t think many people can say they love someone in the way Xavi loves me and I love him. Truly selflessly, even when it hurts.
I am so lucky to know a man like him. There have been times where he’s been hard to be with, but so have I. I can’t imagine a life where I choose not to have him in it, I think of that quote about soulmates not just being lovers, and I truly think the day I met him I knew I had found mine. On the cards and letters that I used to write to him, I would always end them with “cheering you on from close or afar” I wrote the same on his birthday card this year. From the moment we met I didn’t know how long I’d have him, I always thought it’d be because he’d go back to Spain and that the distance between us would be a physical thing, but maybe ‘from close or afar’ meant regardless of the distance of our hearts.
Finding emotional closure is one of the most beautiful and underrated things.
Let’s hope more positive blogs are coming in the future, if you have any spare good luck vibes please send them to my little family of 3.
Bye for now x