A love letter to my people
It’s been a while, I rarely feel the pull to blog anymore as I find myself wondering who or why people would even care about the details of my life, but then again, I care about the details of other people’s lives, sooooo here we are; for the people that do care.
(Hi, Mum)
Life has been real different this year. Challenging to say the least, but I think (or, I hope) for the better. I was approached with a work opportunity that looked very promising and left my job of 7 years to pursue it. It was my first time working as a sole trader, which awoke a new excitement and passion in me for working for myself, and feeling more in control of my life. As someone who values stability above most things, leaving my job felt like leaving mum and dad’s house for the first time and living on my own, it is scary making these decisions when you are making them on your own, and though I had dreamed of it for a long time, I was never able find the faith in myself to give up the security that came with having a traditional job.
I felt really proud of myself for doing something I had been afraid of for so long, and I felt invigorated by my new lifestyle. Being able to choose my hours, working from home, or from a cafe, or along side my freelancing friends, it honestly felt like a dream. As with any new thing, it’s impossible to know exactly what it will look like until you experience it, needless to say it didn’t end up working out, and I found myself for the first time in my life coming to the end of my role without anything waiting for me. It was extremely disheartening to suddenly be on my own, but it was also incredibly freeing.
I have reached this weird turning point where peace and happiness comes above all else for me. I used to be fairly tolerant to less ideal people or situations, and not that I am not able to navigate unhealthy relationships effectively, I think I can, but I just don’t want to long term anymore. I just don’t have even 1% of space in my life for relationships of any kind that are unkind or unhealthy. It has become such a reflex to separate myself from things that jeopardise my mental health that I would say my need for mental peace almost overpowers my need for security, because my fear of living a life I dread waking up to is so much higher. I just want to be happy. I can’t tell you how many times I have said that to myself. I just want to be happy. I am constantly, and ruthlessly editing my life with this in mind. Of course life will have it’s up and downs and that is unavoidable, but for a while it has felt like my cup is empty and in order to survive my priority needs to be filling it and keeping it full.
I consider one of the greatest blessings in my life the relationships I have built. My relationship with my best friend is something out of a movie, we grew up inseparable in the most foundational years, spending every single day together, in our adulthood she once asked me if I regret being an only child and I told her I didn’t feel like one because I had her. We spent our teenage years on different paths (she was cool, I was not lol) and found each other back in adulthood, but the entire time, and always, we have been best friends. I can power-text her for hours at a time, or we can go months without speaking, and when we see each other it’s always exactly the same. It’s so nice to have someone that you know will be there for you, I hope she feels that same comfort in me that I feel in her. My parents are the most supportive people I have ever known - They take care of me with the same tenderness now as an adult as when I was a child, and they are always and no matter what, my number 1 fans. One week if I want to be an Astronaut, they’ll go find me a space suit at the op shop, the next if I want to be a belly dancer, they’ll send me the newest Shakira album. (Lol, these are metaphorical examples of their support but these are two things I legit wanted to be when I was a child.) I feel like they live for me sometimes, and sometimes I also think I live for them and can’t imagine going through life without them, I think living without them is the thing I’m most scared of in my entire life. My best friend is one person that makes that easier. Another is Mr. Spain. He is the only person I’ve ever met that loves me the way my parents do. I always thought my expectations and standards for love were unrealistic because mum and dad set the bar so high, but that man is the strongest support pillar in my life and he never waivers. Some people don’t understand our relationship and think that if we’re not going to date, we shouldn’t be friends, but he has taken me as I am from the day we met, and been so unconditionally loving and kind with me, that all I know how to do is to love him the same way back. When I think of people I really love I think of my sweet friend that I met on instagram, who I could speak to for hours on his views on life and who has the most pure kind heart. I think of my strong-willed, self love, queen of a friend who is incredible at maintaining her personal boundaries in the most loving way. I think of my two girls who make up our most unlikely trio - one outgoing and wild, the other reserved and sweet, and me - somewhere maybe in the middle, who ooze love and support and kindness. My Italian bella, who is going to share one of the most memorable experiences of my life with me, my best high school friend and how we could communicate for weeks on purely memes and Spotify recommendations, the way whenever I text her, people think I’m texting someone I have a crush on because she makes me laugh so much. My morning walk gal’ who after working together for so long, we can read one another with just a look. My most talented creative friend who I could brag about for days on end and who is always the first person I go to with new ideas and she listens as if it’s the first time even though it’s actually the 75th time I’ve had “the idea that will change my life”. The friendships that feel so solid, that months (or even years, oops :() will go by without seeing them, but when you see them the love is still the same. The people who message me on instagram with romance book recommendations. The people who encourage my creativity. Like, wtf how lucky am I.
Every day I wake up and I have my health, and I have this immense amount of love in my life, and every day I’m grateful. Money will come and go and I just need to remind myself that those other things are what it’s about for me, and they are what I should protect at all costs.
The rest is just all (sometimes incredibly loud) background noise.
I am excited for this next chapter. Thank you to my people I am grateful for you every day.
This gratitude was inspired by a journal entry that all started with my coffee snack gal (she knows who she is) and in true Sam fashion I completely forgot to include a little bit about her here as I paraphrased my journal. I love you. so much. and anyone else that I've probably definitely forgotten. It’s just my brain failing me I promise it’s not personal.